Coyotes, Dodos and Bumblebees
by stupidpenname
Summary: Aziraphale and Crowley ponder an age old question. How the he- how in heav- how on earth do Angels and Demons have the ability to fly? Non-slash but hopefully good drunkard fun. One-Shot.


A/N: Okay, lets say that you have a huge writing task due in two weeks. Lets say that you have a whole bunch of people waiting for your next installment of a Firefly fic. Let's just say that you are superbly busy at work and you've had barely any time to devote o either of the above. what do you do?

Write a Good Omen's fanfic of course! My muse apparently likes to see me writhe.

This is my first attempt in the GO fandom so advice from veterans of the fandom would be welcome. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Do not own, blah blah blah.

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'How'd we fly?'

Aziraphale had been caught off-guard by this question. He had been concentrating all his divine will-power in pouring the majority of the wine from the bottle to the glass rather than from the bottle to the table-cloth. It was a battle he was losing.

'S'what's that?' The angel looked at his drinking partner whose swarve and effortlessly cool exterior had abandoned him hours ago. (i) Right now he was sieged by empty wine bottles on all sides and staring into the middle distance, his hair dishevelled and his sunglasses on what could generously be described as a jaunty angle.

'How'd you recon...' Crowley licked his lips with his strange tongue while his mind ticked over. 'How'd you recon we fly? I mean how'd we manage it?'

Aziraphale tilted his head. 'Weellll... You'd firstly go to your local travel agent...'

'Nah nah nah nah nah. I mean ussss. With our... with our... whatyoumacallitssss. Big flappy thingssss.'

'Bats?'

'No.

'Sheets?'

'What? No!'

'Wings?'

'Yeah! Those ones. How do we do that with them?'

Aziraphale was only 51% sure that he knew what Crowley was talking about but Aziraphale was democratic so the majority had it. 'We fly 'cause we have wings. That's what they're for.'

'Ah but the penguins' sgot wingsss, don't he? They don't fly.'

'Those are really more flippers than wings.'

'Dodos have wings.'

Aziraphale snorted. 'Dodos are made up. Fictional! Like unicorns.'(ii)

'No they aren't!' said the demon indignantly, even though he was not entirely sure he was right. Aziraphale directed a scathing look at Crowley, over-top his glasses.

'You ever seen a Dodo, Crowley?'

'No but that's cause they're all gone and become extinct now. They're all disappeared'

'They've gone because they were never here.'

'Fine. Forget it.' Crowley snapped. They sat quietly for minute before the demon snapped his fingers. 'Ostrichessss!' he slurred in triumph. 'They've got wings!'

Aziraphale blinked. 'Ah... I think you've got me there.'

Crowley flashed a victory grin and reached for his glass. His smugness was somewhat ruined by the fact he missed it. Twice. Stupid depth perception. He pretended that he hadn't really wanted it anyway and continued his musings.

'I mean wes shouldn't be able to fly either.' Crowley philosophised. 'Biologically. Birds can fly because their bones are full of air which makes them light.'

'Ah.' said Aziraphale, all admiration. 'The genius of the creator's design.'

'The genius of evolution, more like.'

'Po-tay-to, po-tar-to.'

Part of Crowley wanted to continue this theological debate, but he always wound up losing those arguments. After all it's hard to argue about whether or not there is a God when the guy you're debating against has to fill out fortnightly paperwork for the almighty's inspection. Life was easy being a straight atheist. Being a nay-theist however was relatively difficult (iii). Besides, he had already invested too much energy into the whole question of wings and he was da- ble- he wasn't going to give up on it easily.

'But we don't have hollow bones do we?' Crowley's sentence flickered between being a statement and a question. 'Ours are solid, am I right?'

'Dunno. Never thought to test.' Aziraphale tried to straighten his glasses but just made them more crooked. 'We could just duck down to the hospital. Borrow their x-ray machine, just to check.'

Crowley thought this was a brilliant idea(iv) until he stood up; a position that didn't last long. He grabbed onto the edge of the table and pulled himself up off the floor and back onto his chair.

'Nah. We don't need an x-ray. I pretty sure we don't have hollow bones. We would have noticed by now.'

'Maybe it's somethink to do with our wingspan.'

Crowley actually said "pffft." 'It's not a matter of wing span. It's a simple question of weight-ratio. A five ounce bird can't carry a… wait… what's that from?'

Aziraphale stiffened. The angel had been involved in the whole Holy grail debacle; a fact Crowley would never let him live down. 'Maybe we're looking at this from the wrong angel, I mean angle.' he said before the demon could remember what he was quoting.

Crowley frowned. 'How'd yer figure?'

'Well dear...' Aziraphale hadn't formulated his plan any further. 'We're thinking about this in terms of birds right? Maybe we aren't birds. Maybe we're more like... more like bees.'

Crowley sniffed. 'Bees?'

'Yeah! Scientist say that bees aren't aeor... aireor... aerdym... aren't built the right way for flight. They shouldn't be able to get off the ground and yet...' instead of finishing his sentence verbally Aziraphale squiggled a pointed finger through the air and went "buzz." Crowley watched in fascination.

'Wow.' he said slowly. 'Really.'

'It's wot they say.'

'And you think we could be the same?'

Aziraphale shrugged. 'Maybe. If you ask me it's all pretty ineff...'

'Do _not_ say ineffable, angel!' Crowley knocked over an empty wine bottle with his elbow. 'Not everything in the universe is ineffable. The great plan? Okay, I can buy that 's pretty ineffable. The need for tempting humanity? There's something ineffable-esque about it. But why oh why is it so hard for somebody _anybody_ to give us a straight answer about why we can fly? That's one question that should be well and truly effable! Unless of course they just enjoy screwing with us and don't want us to know...'

Suddenly a look of horror passed over the angel's face. Aziraphale grabbed the nearest wine bottle, filled it up to the point of almost overflowing, and began to scull it in a most unangelic fashion. Crowley pulled his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose to get a better look.

'Steady on, angel! What's the matter?' Crowley had of course never felt concern for another being in his entire existence but if he could he would have been feeling a twinge of it right then.

Aziraphale poured himself another glass. ' Oh, it's nothing dear.' he lied badly before downing that glass-full in one gulp. 'Nothing at all.'

Like a viper Crowley's hand struck out and grabbed the angel's wrist before he could pour again.

'Aziraphale.' he said sternly. 'What's going on?'

Aziraphale tried to pull his arm away but without success.

'It's stupid dear. I'm fretting over nothing.'

'If it's really nothing, what's the harm of letting me in on the secret?'

The angel looked at Crowley. The demon's eyes were staring him down from above his sunglasses. It was clear that his favourite arch-nemisis wasn't going to let go of the subject(v) until he gave Crowley an answer.

'You know...' Aziraphale said slowly. 'You know that cartoon where the coyote doesn't realise he's run over the edge of the cliff until he looks down, and it's only after he looks down he starts to fall?'

Crowley was vaguely insulted. After all he was the one who spear-headed the movement to put more violence in children's television.(vi)

'Yes. I fail to see the relevance but yes.'

Aziraphale avoided his gaze. 'What if we aren't like birds or bees? What if we are more like that cartoon?'

Something inside Crowley's brain twigged. 'Are you suggesting, angel, that the only reason we can fly is because no one has bothered to tell us that we _can't?'_

'Of course not, dear. That ridiculous.' said the angel carefully, barely slurring the word "ridiculous". 'But if I _had _thought that – which I didn't, I remind you – I wouldn't say it out loud and jinx it. Risk us both losing our flight? No. I would get myself really, really, extra-ordinarily, superbly, astoundingly drunk and hope by all the powers in heaven and on earth and under the earth that tomorrow I would have forgotten all about it.

Crowley gave a rare blink. He let go of Aziraphale's wrist and reached for another bottle(vii) Unlike Aziraphale however, Crowley didn't bother with a glass.

* * *

i Right about the time he started waxing lyrical about the evils of Barney the Dinosaur and how Care-Bears could be used as a means of world domination.

ii Aziraphale would like it to be known that in his "right frame of mind" (i.e. when he's sober) he is aware that Dodos did at one point in time exist. In fact he was there when they were named. He had tried to convince Adam to call them something more dignified but all Adam had to do was point at the poor bird and say "Look at it!" Aziraphale had to agree that no other name could suit it more.

iii But it did have its perks. When things go wrong most atheists just have to be angry at God for not existing. At least if you were a nay-theist you had someone to blame.

iv Most ideas are when you have a blood alcohol level of 1.2%. No, that's not a typo.

v Or Aziraphale's wrist.

vi Not because it actually made children more violent, but because it combined his love of cartoons and carnage making the choice between different channels all the eaiser.

vii A bottle that hadn't existed twenty seconds ago.


End file.
